If you're a frotteur who's into bondage, dirty talk, and full-frontal male nudity, then by all means head over to the Vortex Theater in Manhattan for this haunted house experience, if you can call it that.
If you're like me, then you associate haunted houses with good-natured tricks--glowy-eyed skulls that cackle, pun-tastic plastic tombstones, bowls of cold spaghetti "brains"--halloween fun that ends with treats, not the feeling of being violated after your first near-rape experience, then you should keep it local and check out the Halloween Haunted Walk & Carnival at Prospect Park, where you'll encounter classic spooks like zombies and witches (both good AND bad). Or hit up the the Howloween Pup Parade in Park Slope. Because what could be more non-threatening than doggies in costumes?
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